01 April, 2018

Velo Orange Launches First Bike into Outer Space

Inspired by Starman and Elon Musk's Tesla Roadster, Velo Orange has decided to launch its own payload into outer space. We're pleased to announce that we have successfully launched one Polyvalent into heliocentric orbit.

The first bicycle sent on an interplanetary mission, our Polyvalent has been launched towards Alpha Centauri, often touted as one of the most likely places for mankind to make alien contact. Our next-door neighbors in space, the three-star Alpha Centauri system seems like a great potential advertising market, and we want to beat NASA and SpaceX to it. Velo Orange co-owner, Adrian Nelson, says "It's good to be a first-mover in a situation like this. If there's an alien race 4.367 light years from us, we want to make sure we're the first ones to sell full coverage bicycle fenders to it."

Indeed, upon closer examination, you'll see the frame is decked out with Velo Orange's soon-to-be-released Wavy fenders. We have decided to dress this bike up, unlike the humans depicted in the Pioneer plaques on board the 1972 Pioneer 10 and 1973 Pioneer 11 spacecrafts. If other worldly beings come across the Polyvalent, we want to them to know we come in peace...and with style.
Co-owner Igor Shteynbuk says, "What's a better first introduction to the human race than a classically styled touring frame? 650b has been a persistent presence in the cycling world, so it should be a good representation of cycling for generations (or the potentially 78,000 years it may take the PolyV to get to Alpha Centauri). The bicycle has always been an egalitarian force, allowing for a more even social playing field for transport and recreation. We want the human race to be represented by such positive connotations."

The runner-up to being launched into space was Fairweather's B903 Bullmoose Bars. Noting their similarity to Worf's bat'leth though, this option was abandoned due to the fear of unintentionally sparking intergalactic warfare.
What will happen to the Polyvalent as it careens towards towards its destination? Find out by following the bicycle via this advanced image tracking system.

Bon Voyage!

5 comments:

JP Frey said...

A truly special day, April 1st is. Does bike come in size to fit great Jedi master? Heh, heh, heh. Good food, yes? You like?

RoadieRyan said...

Today is a good day to die! (said in my best Lt Worf), nice Bat'leth err bullmoose

Grego said...

Hey! MY BIKE! Oh no, Adrian, what have you done with my bike?!

Big Woods Biker said...

What pressure you runnin' to Alpha Centauri?

Anonymous said...

very good !! hahaha. excellent!!!